What it’s like to live with chronic pain

When I was watching House M.D. in my early-mid 20s I could never understand why Dr. House was such an angry, hostile, bitter, mean and irritable jerk. Until I could … when I got 30 and my severe back pain started. It all became way too relatable and I could see so clearly why there was so much bitterness and hostility in his character. You might still think that he is just a jerk (a genius one) and probably this is also part of the truth, but I can guarantee you that living with pain every day (as Dr. House did) can bring you to the darkest of places and your heart, mood and mind will become cold, austere and bleak.

After 5 years into this I am not in my darkest place now. Thanks God! But I have seen, felt and lived through a lot and I continue living with my struggles every day. There is a lot I want to say to the world, just to let it out of me, to make people notice, but it’s hard. Hard to find the words to explain, hard to find someone who would listen, someone who would understand, someone you would trust. But then I think that there are thousands, hundred thousands of people who know exactly how I feel and who are fighting the same battle, they are having the same resentment, fear, struggle, despair and pain. And I want to share it for them. They might never find this text or might stumble upon it randomly on the internet, but maybe it will make a difference for someone. Just to know that there are people out there who “get me”, just to be able to say to yourself “I am not alone in this”.

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Our wedding day

This summer in the end of July 2021 we celebrated our wedding in Munich. After all the doubts and uncertainties due to the pandemic, going back and forth with our decisions for months, we came to the conclusion that there was no point in waiting for this corona crisis to go away. We had to make a decision. We did not know if celebrations would be allowed, how many people would be able to attend, what the restrictions would be like, nothing was clear. But after giving it many thoughts we knew that the conditions would not improve any time soon. So we decided not to postpone our wedding and celebrate it this summer no matter what.

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Let’s go!

It’s been a long time since I wanted to start a blog. I have even included this task into my to do list, but have been postponing it again and again for years. Between university, work, sport activities, language lessons, social life, travel arrangements and just what we call “life” there was never a time slot for writing. But then I had these bad news about my back pain and I decided that the time has come. A sad occasion to start a blog, I agree… But I am not planning on keeping it sad, just the opposite! I want it to help me to find a bright side of everything that happens in my life and to enjoy it no matter what.

If you asked me about my biggest hobby, that would be sport. That’s my passion and something that makes me very happy. I had a lot of plans for this autumn: working hard on my gymnastics progress, getting back to tennis court, doing resistance training, dancing flamenco, attending swimming lessons to improve my technique and I even had a crazy idea of preparing for triathlon xD But the diagnosis says “herniated discs” and I can not even do my favorite gymnastics, let alone tennis court or triathlon. I will be going for swimming once a week and I will keep attending flamenco classes (I hope I can do that), the rest has to be set aside. In the beginning I thought that was devastating. And unfair. And why tf this is happening to me?! But then I realized that I could not dwell on it constantly, be depressed about the chronic pain and all the things I can not do for now, instead I should start concentrating on the things I can and should do. I need to take a break from active sport, I need to give a rest to my body and I need to put all my effort into back therapy. And as I have more free time now, I can start doing things that were always postponed… Like creating this blog!

I am not sure what will be the content of these pages. Something about health, something about sport, something about travels. Delicious breakfasts as well, friendships all over the world, languages and who knows maybe even about schattenmorellen! 😉

Hey there!


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